Three years ago I did a blog series called CORErecovery: Out of the Valley of Dry Bones. I wanted to walk through, step by step, sharing my story of how my faith in God helped me recover from my eating disorder. More than just a memoir or a diary, this series was intended to provide practical helps for people of faith who were seeking to recover. At the time I wrote, things were going well, I felt strong physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Every now and then, Facebook will show me one of these posts in my “memories” and I look back at it. Sometimes I smile, or even giggle at my writing style- (still rather new back then.) Other times I wonder how I wrote all of that- how confident I seemed, how sure, how bold. It definitely was a time where I felt very firm and secure. We hear people talk about being ‘on fire for Jesus’-well, that was what the blog series was for me…my fire for Jesus.
In the years since the original posts, my blog has changed focus, my life has changed dramatically, my perspective on some things has shifted, and my understanding of God and my relationship with Him has continued to develop.
My recovery, too, has changed.
From the beginning of my time recovering from the eating disorder, I have maintained that I believe that recovery is not merely something you walk through and leave behind. Rather, it is a choice to live daily in freedom from whatever was holding you in bondage. In the early days, that meant moment by moment decisions about food, physical activities, and avoiding things that triggered negative thinking. By the time I wrote the blog series, these things were more like habits, I wasn’t having to focus so hard on recovery, it just was. My life moved freely, for the most part.
Today, three years later, I still say that I have recovered from my eating disorder, but things are different now. In recent months, there have been times when I felt like my recovery, my life in freedom, was in jeopardy. I have doubted and been afraid. I have wondered about relapse and how it could happen to me. But instead of just frantically trying to escape relapse, to merely avoid doing those things that would suck me back in, I decided to stop running.
I stopped, turned around, and stared relapse right in the face. With clenched teeth and teary eyes I looked at the very thing I feared— relapse-and I said, “Not today.” I will not live my life running from something—eating disorders, relapse, or any of the other myriad things I fear from time to time. I am going to live my life running toward something—my goals, my dreams, my Creator.
So instead of relapsing, I’m going to Revisit Recovery. In this new blog series, I will revisit my old posts from CORErecovery: Out of the Valley and discuss how my experiences over the last three years, especially the last several months have changed my recovery, how I maintain it, and how I believe in and understand God’s grace and mercy over my life.
Whether you are new to recovery, are a ‘long-timer’ like me, or perhaps are just curious about what recovery is like in real life, I encourage you to join me on this new journey…
Recovery Revisited: Looking Back and Moving Forward